Cracked my knuckles!

After we fell asleep after having sex for the first time, I woke up to find you cracking my knuckles.

Willing to disobey mom for some action!

You told me, "My mom won't let me marry a non-Jew, but that doesn't have to stop us from having sex tonight."

This is not a great line on a first date.

Loved Bush too inappropriately!

You wanted to call me Laura and wanted me to call you George. No, weirdo, we're not going to roll play as the Bushes, thank you very much.

You had a ... baby whale fetish?

You started singing "Baby Beluga in the deep blue sea..." during sex.

Sleeping with several chorus boys!

You were sleeping with several of the chorus boys in the play I was directing. One of them got jealous and told me.

Ear wax enthusiast!

You were turned on by the taste of ear wax.

Pierced jerk!

You had a pierced penis and used to say things like, “I never want to hear you complain about childbirth, because I’ve been through the worst pain a person can experience.”

Lesser roommate!

Your roommate is better in bed.

Buddhist fakeout!

You claimed to be a devout Buddhist and yoga student (and used yoga class as a reason to not have sex) but you violated the major tenets of Buddhism all of the time and didn't even seem to realize it - that's because you were a fake Buddhist and just thought it was a "cool" thing to be. I figured if you lied about that, then you would lie about anything.

Drama queen!

You were such a goddamn drama queen. You cried about how every girl you ever dated had broken your heart. You know why they all dumped you? You are beyond horrible in bed.

Height-lying porn collector!

After a 10 minute monologue on why you said you were 5' 9" instead of 5' 6", you wanted to know if I wanted to see your porn collection.

Would-be vasectomy reverser!

You offered to have your vasectomy reversed for me on our 3rd date.

Coat sex!

The first time we slept together, you kept your coat on the whole time.