Bungee suicide attempt!

You tried to kill yourself in the shower. By hanging yourself. With a bungee cord.

You did not succeed.

Funeral director who likes daiquiris!

You were a funeral director and we had banana double banana daiquiris at TGIFridays. I had sex with you out of pity, but then I sneaked out the window.

Canadian Wheat Board fan!

You spent half the night discussing what the Canadian Wheat Board meant to you, then stole my identity and my shoes.

Ketchup packet lover!

You would only use the fast food ketchup packets and refused to use our ketchup at home because it was "too cold."

Cracked my knuckles!

After we fell asleep after having sex for the first time, I woke up to find you cracking my knuckles.

Psychic believer!

You refused to get out of bed one day based on what your psychic said. Good day, ma'am.

Shampoo miser!

I'm not sure that making a single bottle of shampoo last for four years is something to celebrate.