Reasons why I dumped you

Bungee suicide attempt!

2009-11-26T14:42:00.003-05:00

You tried to kill yourself in the shower. By hanging yourself. With a bungee cord.

You did not succeed.

Funeral director who likes daiquiris!

2009-11-20T01:35:00.004-05:00

You were a funeral director and we had banana double banana daiquiris at TGIFridays. I had sex with you out of pity, but then I sneaked out the window.

Canadian Wheat Board fan!

2009-11-20T01:24:00.003-05:00

You spent half the night discussing what the Canadian Wheat Board meant to you, then stole my identity and my shoes.

Ketchup packet lover!

2009-11-20T01:00:00.003-05:00

You would only use the fast food ketchup packets and refused to use our ketchup at home because it was "too cold."

Cracked my knuckles!

2009-11-02T20:48:00.002-05:00

After we fell asleep after having sex for the first time, I woke up to find you cracking my knuckles.

Psychic believer!

2009-10-29T00:54:00.002-04:00

You refused to get out of bed one day based on what your psychic said. Good day, ma'am.

Shampoo miser!

2009-10-23T10:51:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure that making a single bottle of shampoo last for four years is something to celebrate.

Cartoon MILF enthusiast!

2009-10-21T00:37:00.003-04:00

I wish you hadn't admitted you were turned on by Marge Simpson in Playboy.

Colonic describer!

2009-10-20T11:18:00.002-04:00

Thanks for that vivid word picture about your colonic.

Willing to disobey mom for some action!

2009-10-20T11:13:00.004-04:00

You told me, "My mom won't let me marry a non-Jew, but that doesn't have to stop us from having sex tonight."

This is not a great line on a first date.

Girl kiss over-reactor!

2009-10-16T02:01:00.002-04:00

I told you I'd kissed a girl once in college and you told be you didn't know how to feel about me being a lesbian.

Would-be lightening victim!

2009-10-15T08:30:00.004-04:00

You told me your dream was to get struck by lightening. "Not, like, dying, but a little jolt. A wake-up call."

And that was my wake-up call.

Movie hater!

2009-10-14T17:11:00.003-04:00

You said you don't like movies. Any movies. Because, "It's all skinny people with their little problems trying to be avant-garde."

Then you amended it to say you do like the movie Office Space.

First of all, I'll find you another movie you like, second of all Office Space gets a shout out as the one movie you like?, thirdly I'm not sure you know what avant-garde means.

Intimidated by taxis!

2009-10-14T15:06:00.004-04:00

You confessed you were no good at hailing cabs and you'd always make me do it. That's not like not being able to drive, it's saying "I don't know how to ask someone to let me ride in their backseat.

Never heard of South Dakota!

2009-10-13T13:25:00.004-04:00

You were serious when you said you'd never heard of South Dakota. When I asked you what you thought North Dakota sat on, you said you'd never thought about it.

Hopscotch quitter!

2009-10-12T23:44:00.004-04:00

You couldn't get the concept of hopscotch and walked away in a huff. You were 22 and not my 4th grade girlfriend.

Miss Thailand!

2009-09-30T22:03:00.003-04:00

Two minutes into our first date you told me you couldn't eat thai food because your ex-girlfriend was thai. You wouldn't stop talking about her the entire date.

Popcorn stealer!

2009-09-24T17:26:00.002-04:00

On our first date you took me to the movies, paying for the tickets and the popcorn and soda. You said you didn't want popcorn and then proceeded to eat out of my bucket the whole movie, cheap ass!

Directionally challenged!

2009-09-17T12:23:00.002-04:00

You weren't always 100% on concepts like "left" and "right."

Chap Stick eater!

2009-09-16T17:03:00.004-04:00

When my ChapStick disappeared, you confessed you'd eaten it and that that's kind of your thing.

Vehement Mos Def arguer!

2009-09-09T17:01:00.005-04:00

Our argument about whether Mos Def was saying "Earth" or "Erf" in his lyrics nearly got violent.

Loved Bush too inappropriately!

2009-08-22T20:58:00.002-04:00

You wanted to call me Laura and wanted me to call you George. No, weirdo, we're not going to roll play as the Bushes, thank you very much.

Forgot about your third kid!

2009-08-07T16:08:00.004-04:00

On our first date you lied and said you had two kids, but you had three.

You know what's on TV too well!

2009-08-06T18:13:00.002-04:00

Because we visited your parents and the only book in the whole house was TV Guide.

Too serious about vacuuming!

2009-07-24T15:31:00.004-04:00

I made a joke about my mom having not vacuumed in a while and you said you'd never let her watch our (hypothetical) kids.

Artificially hair-colored and unobservant!

2009-07-21T11:18:00.004-04:00

You kept getting hair dye on my shower curtain and pretending to not notice.

Bad excuse maker!

2009-07-19T13:07:00.003-04:00

You told me you had to kiss that other girl because you were in a photo booth, and that's what people do in there.

Don't understand that gas is flammable!

2009-07-17T12:20:00.002-04:00

When you smelled a gas leak coming from our stove, you lit a bunch of candles to cover up the smell.

Paranoid non-wanker!

2009-07-09T16:08:00.004-04:00

You told me you didn't masturbate for three years because you were worried your dead grandmother could see you and would be disappointed.

Promiscuous and diseased!

2009-06-01T14:54:00.002-04:00

You casually told me on our first date that you'd slept with 40-50 people...and had HPV.

Would-be cannibal!

2009-05-29T13:03:00.003-04:00

Our debate about me being a vegetarian devolved into you saying you would eat people.

Shoe-eating dog defender!

2009-05-29T10:40:00.002-04:00

When your dog ate my favorite shoes you said they weren't a good color on me anyway.

Garbage can thrower!

2009-05-22T17:31:00.004-04:00

You threw a full garbage can at a 90-year-old Holocaust survivor.

Lawsuit threatener!

2009-05-22T10:42:00.004-04:00

You threatened to sue a woman at the impound lot because she said you couldn’t prove you hadn’t parked illegally.

Gay Paula Deen!

2009-05-18T15:25:00.003-04:00

You were a Southern guy majoring in art history and you pronounced "Rococo" as Reee-coooh-cooooh, like a gay Paula Deen.

The word came up more times than I could count on our first date.

Casual about the porn-as-sex substitute!

2009-05-15T16:21:00.002-04:00

After you couldn’t finish during our one-and-only time having sex, you just shrugged and said, “Eh, I’ll just go home and watch porn.”

Unwelcome fashion advisor!

2009-05-10T14:06:00.002-04:00

You told me you liked 60% of my wardrobe. Thanks, dude.

Oh dear God the onions!

2009-04-27T18:21:00.003-04:00

You tasted like onions ... and I wasn't kissing you.

Story stealer!

2009-04-24T19:46:00.003-04:00

I told you a funny story on our first date and you repeated it back to me on our third (and last!) date as though the story happened to you.

You had a buffet gameplan!

2009-04-20T14:07:00.002-04:00

You wore elastic-waistband pants to our first date at all-you-can-eat buffet. And you stole some rolls in your bag.

Man-scara wearer!

2009-04-17T11:34:00.003-04:00

You wore women's clothes and asked me if you could borrow my mascara.

Obama song muse!

2009-04-15T15:30:00.005-04:00

You crushed on Obama more than on me.

Then I wrote a song about it and it was on CNN:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xYkXLQ1YIc

Never mastered two wheels!

2009-04-13T20:04:00.003-04:00

You don't know how to ride a bike.

Spanish mocker!

2009-04-07T15:00:00.003-04:00

You're from Spain, so even though I've never taken a Spanish class, I tried to be nice and write an email to you in Spanish with a few words that I picked up. I misspelled "fruit" in Spanish, and you mocked me. The best part is that you meant "hahahahaha" but you wrote "jajajajaja."

You have a defense plan against me!

2009-03-27T10:16:00.002-04:00

You told me in great detail what you would do if I ever started hitting you.

Dead Grandma discusser!

2009-03-23T12:21:00.003-04:00

You spent the entire night telling me about the time you found your grandmother dead and wrapped her up in sheets to preserve her.

You're a hairy, hair man! (Or lady!)

2009-03-20T17:51:00.003-04:00

You had more hair on your back than on your head.

Fond of drinking!

2009-03-18T17:38:00.004-04:00

You picked a restaurant because it was two-for-one margarita night. You drank four. And two tequila shots. And wanted to stop at the store on the way home to pick up a 12-pack. On a Thursday.

Geographically impaired!

2009-03-17T15:52:00.004-04:00

You didn't believe New York was near the ocean.

Obsessed with your height!

2009-03-12T13:26:00.004-04:00

You couldn't get through a single conversation with me without mentioning your height. And you weren't freakishly tall either! The final straw was when you almost made it to the end of our phone call before saying, "Yeah, I'm headed out to do a little Christmas shopping. Good thing I'm 6'1" and can see over the crowd."

Calm down, dude. You're not like Conan's height.

You're a super little singer!

2009-03-09T13:17:00.003-04:00

You wore a superman T-shirt under a white dress shirt and you sang to me on our first and last date.

Scared of big words!

2009-03-04T17:47:00.003-05:00

A guy I dated told me that I should use fewer big words, since it intimidates people and makes them feel bad about themselves.

You don't remember being a kid!

2009-03-03T12:35:00.003-05:00

When I asked you to tell me about your hometown, you shrugged. Way to write off an entire childhood.

Secretly a German tourist!

2009-03-02T19:06:00.002-05:00

You wore black socks with sandals on the beach. It was very old-man Euro (and not in a good way).

You had a ... baby whale fetish?

2009-02-26T13:56:00.002-05:00

You started singing "Baby Beluga in the deep blue sea..." during sex.

Trying to make me look racist!

2009-02-13T16:27:00.004-05:00

You signed me up for the Klan newsletter.

Silverware enthusiast!

2009-01-29T16:44:00.003-05:00

I once went out on a date with a guy named John who wanted me to call him Spoon. That was the end of that.

Belatedly frightened of girls!

2009-01-26T15:17:00.003-05:00

After sleeping with me a couple times, you refused to do so anymore because you were "scared." And you wouldn't let me sleep with anybody else, either.

Gave "bad in bed" a whole new meaning!

2009-01-14T13:52:00.004-05:00

You made out with my best friend, grabbed his crotch, flashed some other dude, gave your number to five guys, passed out, pissed my bed and puked.

Bad at lying about your age!

2009-01-08T18:44:00.003-05:00

You lied to me about your age- you claimed to be 29, then 27. I finally found out you're really 32. Loser.

Possibly not into me because you like dudes!

2009-01-03T23:50:00.002-05:00

All my friends and family thought you were gay.

Maybe you have narcolepsy!

2008-12-30T22:52:00.003-05:00

You were waking up by the time I was leaving work. After 5 in the afternoon!

Drive-by visitor!

2008-12-30T22:46:00.002-05:00

You actually came to my house for a “visit” and had your friend waiting in the car downstairs. Oh yeah, I didn’t feel pressured to end the night fast. At all.

Well-degreed housewife!

2008-12-26T01:24:00.002-05:00

I dumped you because your goal in life was to finish your engineering degree and become my housewife.

Inadvertent wannabe bug killer!

2008-12-08T13:50:00.003-05:00

When you were mad about something you said it made you "fumigating" mad instead of "fuming." I asked how many insects you were planning to kill and you just looked at me quizzically.

Puerto Rican midwife mother in law!

2008-12-02T14:01:00.002-05:00

He told me he wanted to have at least three kids with me and he was going to take me to Puerto Rico to have them there so that his mother could be my midwife. One week after we started dating.

Overly protective of your couch!

2008-11-17T10:26:00.003-05:00

You insisted I sit on a towel to read the newspaper so the ink didn't get on your couch. Your black couch.

Improper past-tense conjugator!

2008-11-12T11:44:00.002-05:00

You constantly said "seen" when it should have been "saw". Mentally correcting your grammar was exhausting and made me realize that you weren't a victim of a poor education, you were stupid.

Sleeping with several chorus boys!

2008-11-08T15:16:00.004-05:00

You were sleeping with several of the chorus boys in the play I was directing. One of them got jealous and told me.

Neutered and texting drunk!

2008-11-04T15:30:00.001-05:00

You text messaged me after our first date to let me know that you'd had a vasectomy. Since I'm only 28 you thought this might be a problem. You were right and I nicely told you this, but you continued text messaging me once a week drunk. I think that vasectomy was probably a good idea.

Unclear about what engaged is!

2008-10-31T13:28:00.002-04:00

After dating this guy three or four times we had plans to go out again, but then I heard he got engaged. When he asked if we were still going out on Friday, I said "No, you got engaged last weekend, that pretty much means it's over between us." He actually asked me why.

Not clear on what "awesome" means!

2008-10-27T15:08:00.002-04:00

You told me you had an awesome story to share. The "awesome story" was that your co-worker was thinking about committing suicide. Suicide is not awesome. Nor is it an acceptable first date topic. Ever.

Ambitious airport worker!

2008-10-22T12:27:00.003-04:00

I was eating an airport pretzel and you told me, "Pretzels do a body good. And yours looks real good." We weren't even dating. You were a gate agent.

Soldier sleeper wither!

2008-10-20T22:27:00.004-04:00

You slept with a soldier on leave, but you said you didn't mean to. Well, I did mean to divorce you.

(Please don't dump me for not adding links sooner!)

2008-10-20T15:02:00.002-04:00

I finally added links to some favorite blogs at the bottom. If you think you can pass the rigorous screening process, email me your link. I will then include that link at the bottom.

Drunk driving planner aheader!

2008-10-20T14:26:00.002-04:00

You told me within the first 5 minutes of our date you had a Breathalizer in your car and asked if I could give you a ride home later.

Obsessive hug seeker!

2008-10-15T17:31:00.002-04:00

You asked me for a hug every five minutes. You were 29, not 5. No - you can't have a hug - ever.

Apple gifter!

2008-09-25T17:06:00.003-04:00

You Gave Me An Apple For Christmas.

Overly eager penis pic emailer!

2008-08-25T14:39:00.002-04:00

I dumped you because you sent me a picture of your penis before you'd even tried to kiss me.

Cell phone leaver-onner!

2008-07-29T15:09:00.002-04:00

You refused to turn off your cellphone at the movies.

Bad at cheating!

2008-07-28T08:54:00.001-04:00

You sent that stupid girl text messages. In the middle of the night. Saying you "would love to see" her. From MY cell phone.

Whiskey-drinking fish watcher!

2008-07-21T09:00:00.002-04:00

You thought staring at your salt-water fish collection while drinking whiskey out of a flask was a good first date

Tooth-extraction exaggerator!

2008-07-17T10:16:00.002-04:00

Before you went in to get your wisdom teeth out, you kept telling everyone you were "having surgery."

Martial arts demonstrator!

2008-07-09T10:52:00.002-04:00

You told me you knew many martial arts forms...tiger style...crane style...snake style...and then you proceeded to demonstrate the different styles...in public.

Football snuggler!

2008-07-07T09:53:00.002-04:00

You wanted to snuggle while watching football. And you're a dude.

Soda hating weight critiquer!

2008-07-01T15:08:00.002-04:00

You told me to stop drinking pop because you said it would make me fat.

Ear wax enthusiast!

2008-06-30T14:25:00.002-04:00

You were turned on by the taste of ear wax.

Hamster giver!

2008-06-26T10:01:00.003-04:00

You bought me a hamster for my birthday.

Barking in public!

2008-06-25T10:46:00.002-04:00

You liked barking like a dog at random people in public.

Credit card jerk!

2008-06-24T15:32:00.002-04:00

You added me to your credit card account to help me build credit, then you maxed it out and didn't make a payment! Thanks.

Too dumb for Larry the Cable Guy!

2008-06-23T10:59:00.002-04:00

You wanted me to watch your Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVD with you, and while we watched it I had to explain a Larry the Cable Guy joke to you.

Ross-from-Friends impersonator!

2008-06-19T10:33:00.002-04:00

You forgot to tell me your ex was pregnant with your child.

Sock problems!

2008-06-18T09:37:00.002-04:00

On our first date you had holes in your socks. So on the second date what... no pants?

Cockney accent! (?)

2008-06-13T14:26:00.002-04:00

You interrupted my story to correct my pronunciation of “red herring,” insisting the H was silent. No, it’s not “red ’erring”. When I looked it up, you said the dictionary was wrong. Shut up, Eliza Doolittle.

Confused about races!

2008-06-11T09:28:00.003-04:00

You asked me if the Kentucky Derby was a horse race or a NASCAR event.

Can't spell "semester"!

2008-06-10T17:27:00.004-04:00

You wrote me an email before our date saying you finished one "cemester" of college.

Pining for an ex!

2008-06-10T16:42:00.003-04:00

On our first date you hardly said a word and when I asked you why you responded that your high school sweetheart was getting married today and you were conspicuous by your absence! Oh wait, I didn't dump you...I married you.

Boring!

2008-06-09T13:44:00.002-04:00

Sixteen hours of being together was long enough.

Tuna carrier!

2008-06-04T09:14:00.002-04:00

You carried a can of tuna around in your pocket at all times and ate it in public movie theaters after you drained the tuna water out onto floor.

"Gay" shirt wearer!

2008-05-30T10:02:00.002-04:00

You asked me seriously if I though your shirt made you look gay.